Dare to believe in recovery

Have a nice day came out in September 2005, I had just entered year 10 at school, I had depression and was a self harmer. I still remember buying this album. I went to my local HMV and spent 3 weeks of pocket money which I'd saved up for this cd. Bon Jovi were one of my favourite bands and so the release of this album was an exciting time in my life.

I was 14 years old, a broken, lost, lonely, confused girl looking to be accepted and loved. My whole life I'd been a wanderer and a loner. I never had many friends growing up and I spent a lot of time on my own or with my brother. My brother was my hero growing up, I loved him so much and still do - he was a reason to stick around. I had thought about and attempted suicide by the time this album was released and like many self harmers, I didn't tell anyone what was going on or about the pain, guilt and shame I was carrying. It all stayed inside and harming myself was my only release. It was also a form of self punishment.

It's fair to say I was a mess. Then this album was released. I would listen to it every morning when I walked to school - normally alone, sometimes with my friend (but only if he was on time... which wasn't often). I listened to it every afternoon walking back from school - always alone. I listened to it at break times, when doing my homework. I was always listening to this album.

This song in particular held a special place in my heart. I had my family, a house, a bed, an education, from the outside everything looked great - but from the inside, from my point of view, I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted to live and survive, I wanted to know my life could and would be something better than what it was then.

I'm gonna live

I'm gonna survive

Don't want the world to pass me by

I'm gonna dream

I ain't gonna die

Thinking my life was just a lie

I wanna be loved

I wanna be loved

I wanted to be loved. I felt so lonely and so broken. It wasn't until I met some amazing people and a friend, who used to SH, at school took notice that I began to see things could change. In year 11 I had a personal mentor at school - my history teacher, Miss.Moore. Now, Miss Moore was amazing, we would meet at lunch times and have lunch together and chat about life and what was going on. I began to trust her and confide in her. I spoke about how I didn't want my parents to move me away from my friends but we had no choice, I spoke about how lonely I felt at school - and eventually, towards the end of the year I told her about my SH. 

She said she had known something was wrong but she didn't want to push me to talk, she was glad I had confided in her though. She sent me to the school counsellor and well, long story short, I didn't get on with her and that was that. I remember my last day of school, Miss. Moore gave me a card wishing me luck and to say goodbye and that she had enjoyed our times spent talking. I still have that card to this day. I think if it wasn't for her I might not be here today, so Miss. Moore thank you for all the hours you spent talking to me.

As I've gotten older and I've learnt more there is one thing I've learnt about recovery. It is hard.  I've been trying to recover for 7 years now and each day is still as hard. Some days are harder and I may mess up and get it wrong but I know that one day, I'm gonna be living a life worth sticking around for I'm not going to die thinking my life was a lie, I'm going to be loved and feel loved. One day. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, or next month, or next year but one day. 

Recovery is hard but I know I will make it. I'm in a place right now where I've got my diagnosis and I've got some professional help, after years of fighting for it. I'm looking for the right therapy for me and I'm on meds. I don't feel like I have the best support network in the world but I am also aware that is a lot of my own doing. I have pushed a lot of people away over the years and so now I see myself starting again from rock bottom. I have lost a lot, but I have so much to gain and it might just be me at the moment but I'm slowly learning to reach out when I need help.

So recovery - it's hard. I spend more time trying to get up than I do walking, but I'm still here, still fighting. I wake up and want to be back asleep, I'm asleep and want to wake from the nightmares. It is a long, hard, and sometimes lonely road. I am the only one who can make myself recover. Others can help me and inspire me but ultimately it all comes down to me. Do I want to recover, or do I want to be beaten? What am I going to do?

I'm going to fight, I'm going to believe and most of all I'm going to keep trying. 

And so I leave you with this, a beautiful song about recovery.