My Christian life has not been easy, and I know it never will be - that comes with being a Christian but being mentally ill as well has added to the struggle. Not only did I struggle with the guilt, shame and secrecy of my harming but all those feelings were intensified by what the Bible said and who it said I should be, who I was. The Bible told me I was free, I was no longer under the law of sin but I was now a new creation. I knew all this and I had become a Christian and yet I still felt the same. I always thought there was going to be this great change inside of me and I would be different, when really I was exactly the same.
I'm not here to preach to you though, just share my story of being a Christian self harmer. Over the years I've learnt that self harm is deep rooted inside of me and it is not going to go away over night, rather it will take many years of hard work to over come and I realise I may never be 100% free from it. I've come to a place where that is okay. I used to want to be from it forever, but now I know it's okay to struggle and I can't pretend otherwise.
I was speaking with my pysch last week and he asked me what I did and so I explained I'm at Biblical College and plan on becoming a Vicar, it sparked off a very interesting conversation. He asked me if my religion helps me with my mental health, I answered with this:
Sometimes it helps, it's great to know that I have people around me to pray when I'm weak, talk when I have little words, sit when I can't stand. The community I live in is a great blessing, but like with any community we have our moments. So yes, sometimes it's great to know I have a God who loves me unconditionally and people to support me and help me when I need it. However, it's not always like this. Sometimes I feel judged for being mentally ill and because I'm a Christian I should be healed, I should not have these bad thoughts or cope by harming myself. It hurts sometimes, I feel like a failure and I feel like all my friends are holier and better than me and I'm just a nobody who God forgot about and doesn't love.
So, being a Christian who is mentally ill and who self harms isn't always easy. I feel failed by the Church a lot of the time, that might be because of my illness or because they don't know what to do, or both. I want to help both Churches and Christians who suffer with MI to understand it and that it is okay and recovery is possible. My passion is to see people freed but I know that comes with a lot of hard work and pain.
I'm still not free and most likely will not be for many years, and that is okay. I have my moments where I am at my lowest, but I also have some great days. It's not all good, nor all bad. It's life. Mine may be more extreme than yours but I know I have a God who loves me, people around me and time to heal. It won't happen over night for me, I'm glad it's not... all I know is beauty will come from my pain and from my ashes.
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